5 Things That Will Never Go Out of Style in Pro Wrestling #2

2) Funny doesn't draw money.

The adage is true, but when you think of things that you remember fondly from your own memories of pro wrestling, aren't the funny things the ones that stick out in your mind?

The problem is that a lot of what wrestling offers as funny isn't funny. That's why we have moments where Triple H rigorously copulated with a mannequin named Katie Vick or Vince McMahon laughed maniacally over a penis pump he received as a gift that blew up in his face. Again, a lot of it is this "audience of one" problem that WWE has. TNA is guilty--remember how Kevin Nash buried the X-Division and made-believe he was some kind of therapist? And don't get me started on the indy show I went to where they had a "dildo on a pole" match.

The adage should really state: "funny doesn't draw money when it's not funny". There's no doubt that Rock, Austin and the stars of the Attitude era and the New World Order could back up their mic skills in the ring. But if Rock was on a show and the fans didn't get to sing along with a champ, you just KNOW there would be a riot.

The nice thing about today's crop of "funny" stars is that the humor is more natural and not as forced. Guys can be funny without cutting promos. Social media allows for more flexibility. This is why we've seen guys like Zack Ryder and Colt Cabana draw a fan base outside of the traditional WWE marketing machine.

So, yeah... funny does draw money, and it has throughout history:

Santino Marella:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: A Post-Mortem

In 2008, the incredibly tardy Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull returned cinema's most beloved archaeologist to the big screen almost two whole decades after The Last Crusade.

While it's certainly not as widely reviled as other modern sequels to classic series, I feel safe saying that most found Crystal Skull disappointing. Many people walked out of the theater blaming things like monkeys and fridges. While those are absolutely elements of the movie's failure, my autopsy has uncovered a number of other causes of death.[1]

The first is that this movie had nothing to live for.

5 Things in Pro Wrestling That Need to Go Away #3

#3 Vince McMahon

Vince McMahon has often been termed an "audience of one", and that has been no more apparent than at this year's Wrestlemania. McMahon has surrendered some of the day-to-day control of the on-camera product to Triple H and his daughter Stephanie, but it was widely reported that Vince still considers the annual event to be his baby.

In lieu of actually reviewing Wrestlemania 28 this year, I thought the show fit in with the theme of this series. The matches that are getting the highest praise on the show are the ones where I imagine Vince trusted the guys well enough to go where they wanted to with it. I can't imagine Vince giving Rock, Undertaker and Jericho much more than a finish and a time limit and then letting them go figure it out on their own.

On the other hand, you have the 18-second opener where Daniel Bryan dropped the World Championship to Sheamus. This match did nothing for either side, but it's the sort of thing that you know Vince was in the back saying, "Aha! Can't you see... haha! it would be funny! FUNNY! haha! If we have the fastest title match at... haha! WRRRRRRRRRESTLLLLLLLLLLEMANIAAAAAAAAAAA! And we'll do it with the pasty ginger guy! haha! And the vegetarian!"

"Ummmmmmm... what's a vegan?"

Here Comes the Pain... Again!

So... yeah, Brock Lesnar is back in WWE after taking nearly a decade off to try and make it in the NFL and become the UFC Heavyweight Champion.

If we've learned anything from Wrestlemania 28, it's this: WWE has no problem offering up their cash cow as a sacrificial lamb if they think it will draw money. Your brain would tell you that John Cena should have beat Rocky on Sunday. Like he said for the last month, after Rock leaves, he'll still be there. Hogan passed the torch and did the job for Rocky, and it should have been passed along.

The current generation of fans don't remember Wrestlemania 18 in Toronto though, so this is truly their "once in a lifetime" match. The problem with promoting a once in a lifetime match: how do you get people to tune in after that? And buy the next show after that? After all, once you get that high, everything else is just crap in comparison, right? What's the next big thing?

It seems that literally is what WWE went out to get. With Lesnar, you again get a guy with credibility outside of WWE (this time in the sports world instead of the entertainment world). You get a guy that doesn't need or have to work a full-time schedule, so he'll naturally be fresh. The problem is that you can't book this match a year out. The furthest out they could promote this match would be Summer Slam, at which point Rock might get involved again.

I don't know... the whole thing seems weird to me. Although they never had the crossover appeal that Rock has, could you imagine Vince going to Undertaker this year and asking him to put over Rock at Wrestlemania? Triple H? Heck, I don't think even CM Punk would do that now, and he certainly doesn't have the tenure of those guys.

John Cena is a merchandising and publicity machine... a commodity. I think that's what we've seen the most from him over the last year. CM Punk and Rocky have played the babyface often against him when they've not been traditional babyfaces, yet he still lays out and sells out. The question you have to wonder is, how many times can they set him up to get beat up by the fans and still remain a draw?

May the odds be ever in your favor…

…unless you piss off Donald Sutherland, in which case your demise is imminent.

Sutherland’s stony gaze aside, I was genuinely impressed with The Hunger Games, which opened in theaters this weekend. I am always on the search for movies to satisfy my epic film cravings--Harry Potter is over, The Avengers isn’t out until the summer, and so I went to see Jennifer Lawrence in this dystopian future fantasy.

Hunger Games packs a powerful punch of artful cinematography, captivating character dynamics, and nail-biting action. Because the premise of the story is so simple, it’s the characters that shine in this film. The entire movie is peppered with great actors--many well known, and others that are newer--that bring life to each relationship that develops.

It’s also a lesson in contrasts. Part of what makes The Hunger Games so fascinating to watch is the constant juxtaposition of wildly different elements in its universe. There is the obvious difference between the abject poverty of the enslaved Twelve Districts and the opulence of the Capitol--but even beyond that, disparities abound. The humanity of one character against the deadly brutality of another. Nineteenth-century prairie dresses and Japanese masquerade costumes. (Why are there powdered wigs in the future?)

But what is most disturbing is the surreal disconnect between the stark reality for the competitors on the ground and the glossy reality TV projection of their suffering and death. It’s a projection of our own obsession of “reality” entertainment and the wealth disparities that exist not just in the US of A, but on a more striking scale worldwide. Like Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 before it, this story forces us to examine the baser elements of our culture and ourselves, and where those roads may lead.

While “May the odds be ever in your favor” is the “I have a bad feeling about this” of The Hunger Games, luck doesn’t have much to do with it. It’s the courage and strength of one character to inspire many in the face of absolute terror. And I hope that is more of what we’ll have to look forward to in this trilogy.

I Watch TV: Awake (and a little Fringe), plus the Four Episode Test

[Note: "I Watch TV" will be an ongoing column, published when I feel like it at irregular intervals, where I blather about whatever I saw on TV that I especially liked/didn't like. This week, it's "Awake".]

It's official: NBC's "Awake" has passed the four episode test and is now penciled in on my "must-watch" list. I say penciled because we only just got the fourth episode last night. Very rarely do I write in shows in pen before at least midway through the first season. "Awake", however, is solidly on track for ink-inscribed immortality, unless the execs at NBC pull a "Firefly" or a "Life" and screw it up.

If there’s one thing I like on TV, it’s high-concept shows with strong characterization and consistently solid writing.

Fun with Sanchez and Tebow!

It's great to see new teammates come together.  Sidenote: Do NOT Google "Tebow Sanchez".  It's for your own good.  But for now, let's check in on Starting Jet and his new sidekick . . .

Picture from CBS.com; fair use for parody.