The Return of Madame Li: Modern Astrology

Li Rapkin held the title of Senior Writer in the original configuration of ShotgunReviews.com.  That was mainly because her writing ability was more mature than most of us.  She also pioneered the delightfully demented Shotgun Horoscopes, something that we didn't know we needed until we had them.  As Madame Li, she prognosticated and used other big words.  More importantly, along with The Queen Oseye, Li will always be a sworn sister of the Shotgun because we all worked in the Stygian pits of tech writing hell together.  Take it, Li . . .

Modern Astrology

Astrology isn't what it used to be; most of us live in areas with lots of light pollution and never see the stars anyway. The constellations associated with the zodiac have been drifting apart because of the precession of equinoxes. The zodiac calendar is out of sync with the months of our calendar. Not to mention that, according to the IAU---the ecliptic now officially passes through thirteen constellations and Pluto is no longer a planet (I assure you, I am not making this up!). And who wants to self-identify as a goat or a scorpion?

Sometimes, a system is too broken to fix. This is one of those systems. Accordingly, I have discarded the old Greco-Roman astrological rubric (so last millennium!) and propose that we move forward with signs that we can all enjoy and remember. And so, I am pleased to bring you the very latest pioneering advances in astrology, including the handy conversion table below.

Old Style			New Style
Name	Constellation	Dates	Name	Month
Aries	Ram	3/21-4/19	Killer Rabbit	April
Taurus	Bull	4/20-5/20	Bacon	May
Gemini	Twins	5/21-6/20	Alien	June
Cancer	Crab	6/21-7/21	Pirate	July
Leo	Lion	7/22-8/22	LOLcat	August
Virgo	Virgin	8/23-9/22	Jedi	September
Libra	Scales	9/23-10/22	Slinky	October
Scorpio	Scorpion	10/23-11/21	Angry Bird	November
Sagittarius	Archer	11/22-12/21	Ninja	December
Capricorn	Goat	12/22-1/20	Robot	January
Aquarius	Water Bearer	1/21-2/19	Zombie	February
Pisces	Fish	2/20-3/20	Sushi	March

Killer Rabbit

Element: Fire

Ruling Planet: Mars

Favorable Colors: Scarlet, crimson

Lucky Gemstone: Spinel

Compatible with: Pirate, Angry Bird

Famous Killer Rabbits: Russell Crowe, Otto von Bismarck, Maria Sharapova

You are impulsive, vicious, bloodthirsty, murderous, underhanded, duplicitous and fluffy. This month is a good time to review your finances, or if you're feeling really ambitious, start your own hedge fund or Ponzi scheme. You are resolute and will not only plod along on a task until it gets done, you will probably overdo in your enthusiasm. You enjoy taking things apart to see how they work, but are rarely able to either figure them out or put them back together. Avoid hand grenades, knights, and wizards named Tim until after the next full moon if you wish to remain calm and undisturbed.

Bacon

Element: Salt

Ruling Planet: Mercury

Favorable Colors: White, Red

Lucky Gemstone: Topaz

Compatible with: Everything

Famous Bacons: Tina Fey, David Beckham, Ho Chi Minh

You are adventurous, yet down to earth. People either love you or think you're an abomination, but everyone knows who you are. Although you may find yourself with unlikely partners, your popularity will soar to new heights as you explore new social circles and adventures. Bacons are the life of the party, and even those who profess to dislike you may secretly find you attractive. Drink plenty of water and avoid nitrites and celery for the rest of the week.

Alien

Element: Selenium

Ruling Planet: Kepler-22b

Favorable Colors: Green, Glow-in-the-dark

Lucky Gemstone: Pyrite

Compatible with: Nobody

Famous Aliens: Alannis Morisette, Jefferson Davis, Dr. Ruth Westheimer

You are good at math, awkward, tongue-tied, perpetually uncomfortable and neurotic. Your ideas make sense to you, but you are unable to communicate effectively with others. You often feel as though nobody understands you, and most people would rather shoot you than make the effort. You are terrified of making a mistake. You spend most of your time at home, alone, in the dark, despite the fact that you are supremely uncomfortable with yourself. Try to schedule more aerobic exercise and cut down on saturated fats and sugars

Pirate

Element: Water

Ruling Planet: Venus

Favorable Colors: Gold, Silver

Lucky Gemstone: Diamond

Compatible with: Killer Rabbit, Ninja

Famous Pirates: Princess Diana, Franz Kafka, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

Pirates are nonconformists with a weak moral compass. You are the life of the party, always up for a good time no matter how far you have to travel. However, you lack healthy boundaries and tend to become boorish and greedy after a few drinks. You are most comfortable in groups of like-minded people who are likely to get you into a great deal of trouble with the law. You surround yourself with material gains and sensual pleasures, mostly so you can show off for your enemies. Relax a little, perhaps with yoga or a good book.

LOLcat

Element: Tuna

Ruling Planet: LOLcats rule planets, not the other way around

Favorable Color: Russian Blue

Lucky Gemstone: Shiny

Compatible with: Sushi

Famous LOLCats: Jerry Garcia, Billy Bob Thornton, Percy Bysse Shelley

"I desire" sums up the LOLcat personality. You are self-centered, lazy, sarcastic, and prone to casual substance abuse...yet inexplicably popular. You never hold back, often wallowing in excess to the disgust and amazement of those around you. Avoid overly impulsive behavior in your love life, and get off your ass and clean up that pigsty you live in. If possible, do not leave the house on the 28th. In fact, I would stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head if I were you.

Jedi

Element: Ether

Ruling Planet: Naboo

Favorable Colors: Beige, Brown

Lucky Gemstone: Amber

Compatible with: Robot

Famous Jedi: A true Jedi does not seek fame

Jedis are deeply intuitive and overly sentimental. You have a forceful personality, and a mystical connection to the universe, but your fashion sense is abominable and you have unrealistic expectations for yourself. You tend to see everything in terms of black and white, and are unsympathetic and skittish when you find yourself with others who do not share your ideals. Jedis tend to cling to the status quo and stagnate intellectually. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes once in a while.

Slinky

Element: Plastic

Ruling Planet: Sedna

Favorable Colors: Purple, Fuchsia

Lucky Gemstone: Turquoise

Compatible with: Other Slinkies

Famous Slinkies: Buster Keaton, Rutherford B. Hayes, Julie Andrews

Your give the appearance of being mentally flexible, but you have only a few tricks and people tire of you quickly when they realize you are largely lacking in substance and. You often feel unbalanced and hollow inside. Your work life will reflect your inner emptiness for the foreseeable future, while your home life slowly becomes a sick parody of itself. You'll find the spring in your step comes back after rededicating yourself to working out.

Angry Bird

Element: Air

Ruling Planet: Jupiter

Favorable Colors: Red, Blue, Black White

Lucky Gemstone: Tanzanite

Compatible with: Ninja, Pirate

Famous Angry Birds: Jenny McCarthy, Marie Antoinette, Dennis Miller

You are fearless and single-minded in defense of what is important to you, but you often miss your target and hurt yourself or others. You have a tendency to "keep score" and hold grudges.  You cooperate well with others when you feel threatened but are rarely the leader. You need to get out of your high-stress job, slow down, and find a healthier comfort zone. Avoid relationships with Bacons.

Ninja

Element: Void

Ruling Planet: Saturn

Favorable Colors: Black

Lucky Gemstone: Onyx

Compatible with: Pirate, Angry Bird

Famous Ninjas: Unknown

You are paragon of dignity; distant, elusive, untouchable, arrogant, and aggressive. You have a great many impulsive urges and long to give in to them, but are chronically unable to allow yourself to loosen up and have a good time. Unsurprisingly, your sex life is and always will be repressed to the point of nonexistence. Ninjas are not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well. Try adding some color to your wardrobe, and vary your route to and from work.

Robot

Element: Metal

Ruling Planet: Saturn

Favorable Colors: Safety Orange, Fluorescent Yellow

Lucky Gemstone: Zircon

Compatible with: Zombie

Famous Robots: None

You are versatile and can adapt to a number of tasks, but most people find you predictable and easy to manipulate. You are tend not to show your emotions, and are serious and literal-minded. You prefer routine, repetition, and regular maintenance. the Robot . are an introvert sign, often to the point of recto-cranial impaction Generally you have excellent judgment about financial matters, but today may be the exception.

Zombie

Element: Earth

Ruling Planet: Uranus

Favorable Colors: Gray, Off-white

Lucky Gemstone: Quartz

Compatible with: Robot

Famous Zombies: Boris Yeltsin, Shakira, Gertrude Stein

You live a life of quiet desperation, going through the motions and numb to your own feelings as well as those of the people around you. You are inarticulate and your eating habits are terrible and your table manners are worse. You can sit on the fence for a little too long when it comes to serious choices, so get off your ass and tackle that to-do list. Consult an etiquette manual, get in touch with your inner child, and brush your teeth once in while. This is an auspicious week for making slow and steady progress.

Sushi

Element: Water

Ruling Planet: Neptune

Favorable Colors: Pink, Salmon

Lucky Gemstone: Sapphire

Compatible with: LOLCat

Famous Sushi: Justin Bieber, Alexander Graham Bell, Dr. Seuss

You are artistic, colorful, exotic, and have a cult following; perhaps even your own cult or talk radio program, if you've been ambitious. Even people who don't like you recognize that you have a certain je ne sais quoi. You are very creative and enjoy making things with your hands. A group with which you're affiliated might want to take a trip together, perhaps to a place associated with artistic or spiritual traditions. Take plenty of money with you; you're expensive but so worth it.